Meeresbande Zine #1 S.21 – S.23 I quit university
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I quit university; I had studied science. It was good for me to do this, because I am not sure if what (and how!) they teach at university is what I want and need to know. I don’t think I want to think like most university scientists do, they seem so focused on their research that they don’t really seem to care about the rest of the world. I mean, they live in a world of their own and it is full of analytical, theoretical, abstract thinking – there is so little feeling, no sense of wholeness and little sense of interconnectedness (it’s what you try to cut out in lab experiments). Of course this does not do justice to the scientists, but to a certain degree it is true. So there are many reasons I don’t want to study science anymore at university. I could find another subject but I think the chances are very slim that anything else would be better.
But on the other hand, there is a lot of sadness still (!) coming up in moments when I realise that I am not a scientist anymore. It was what I thought I’d do as a job and it was a huge part of my identity for many years. And there are still many things I love about science and math. It is fascinating for me and sometimes I just love the feeling of diving into abstract worlds full of wonders and possibilities. I don’t know if many people can understand this but I actually enjoy particularly the bits that are impossible to imagine. I’m fine with theoretical physics, too, I actually always answered those questions (and received good marks, too) for my partner while he did the less abstract questions.
So there is still a lot of stuff I miss even though I am not sure if it was ever good for me to indulge in abstract theories – maybe it was just a way to distract myself from my feelings. And I don’t want to do that anymore. I have also stopped believing that technical progress will ever bring more good than harm to humans, much less the world in general. It has not until now, on the contrary, it has not only impoverished the huge majority of people, but also pushed the whole planet to a point where it is very doubtful that anything else than bacteria and stuff like that will survive the next century.
When I look at the world around me, I see so many things I would want to cry out loud at/about! Sometimes it is rage, but most of the time distress and sadness that makes me want to cry and scream. There doesn’t seem to be any aspect of this society that is not destructive either to people’s souls, minds or bodies and/or to the rest of the world, on which we rely to survive.
At the same time people act as though they would not need a functioning community, a healthy body, soul and mind, and an intact environment. This seems to be the same kind of denial that makes unloved children deny they need their parents and also makes them deny their bodys/minds/souls needs. But as in any other form of denial and repitition compulsion in adults, they create absurd scenarios. There are many ways in which the created scenario is very similar to the one most of us had to go through as babies and children (that’s why it seems “natural” to us). But like the drug addict who stated she needed to prostitute herself to buy drugs which in turn she needed to be able to stand prostituting herself, we create a vicious cycle that is so absurd that it is hard to get my mind around it, because unlike children we as adults and as a society (RE-)CREATE the unbearable situation that is so similar to the one we were put in, only that as children we could NOT create the situation, not even influence it much. So we now often feel the same kind of powerlessness, even if the situation is the product of our own hard work and we have to constantly recreate and perpetuate the whole of it – otherwise it would just fall apart like a house of cards. Because the truth will come out by itself, powerfully, if it is not held in check with enourmous amounts of energy. This is what gives me hope. I experience the truth as a strong force in my life.
This is what one of my internet friends once wrote to me, Leona:
*I give you my support to your decision of quitting university and being yourself, that’s the healthiest decision you can take, and I congratulate you for your braveness.*
(and this was my answer):
Thank you so much for this! I need to hear this, because there is a part inside me who feels and makes me feel very guilty and selfish for trying to be myself and trying to do what is best for myself. I should be a part of this society, no matter how sick it is, I should be grateful to my parents and to the government, I should work hard and not complain. I should not try to change anything, much less criticise or even challenge power and authority – what a sin!
I am struggling to break free from this part, but it is not easy. It is good, though, that I notice it when it speaks up. I am not blind anymore to the way this part (most likely an introjected mother) tries to rule my life and to manipulate others, to encourage them if they are “good” and to punish them if they dare disobey the “rules”.
There are many parts and People inside me who need to hear and feel this kind of support and encouragement, that you are giving.
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