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Meeresbande Zine #1 S.28 + S.29 writer’s block

16. Januar 2011

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Text:

writer’s block

So my idea was to make a zine where I/we publish things we wrote and probably some pictures, too (we have drawn some in psychiatry) and the main topic would be our childhood traumas and even more so our way to healing and our LIFE as Many People in one body. I want to finish it until april 24th because there is a zine-event taking place then where I want to sell my zine.

But now I „forgot“ my computer password so I can’t really work on it anymore since many texts are saved only on that computer. I think I „forgot“ the password because someone of us doesn’t want me/us to write that zine. This person is afraid and doesn’t want to show too much of ourselves. S_he fears that our parents or other perpetrators might find the zine and find out that we wrote it, then punish us. Or they might punish someone else, some innocent random victim. So s_he wants to stay silent and hide our creativity, energy, power, rage and also joy. Perpetrators hate joy in (former) victims!

S_he sais:
“You are insane! You want to draw attention to us? To the fact that these things that we had to suffer exist? You want that? But THOSE people will not want that! Their vengeance will be terrible. They will crush the author of such texts and if they don’t find us, they will crush someone, anyone, do you think THEY care about it??? They will destroy something/someone in their rage. They want us and everyone to be silent so they can continue their cruelty and destruction of life.
This is what they will do. I know them.”

Me: Hello! So you are afraight of the perpetrators’ reaction if they find the zine?

“Yes, of course I am!!! What do you think?”

You just said they lead a live of destruction and cruelty, right?

“Yes, they do that. It’s all they do.”

You are right. And that is the reason I want to speak up. They will be cruel and destructive anyway, wether I speak up or not. But if I do speak up, it will strengthen me and many others who want to live, love, enjoy and cherish life.

“You want to strenghten yourself and others like you? That’s a new idea/concept for me…

…Sounds … let me think … sounds interesting, sweet, colourful… I am still afraight, though, but it seems to be an idea worth considering.”

You have all the time you need to consider this idea – to cherish life, love and to enjoy life and live it fully.🙂 I send you a warm smile🙂

“Thank you! I feel like I am melting and this is a strange, but strangely not a bad feeling.

I am still very much afraid and don’t want you to work on that zine! Please stop it and don’t do it ever!”

I won’t do it as long as you (or anyone else (of us)) is so afraid. I promise. But I want to do it eventually. It is very important to me and also to some others.

“So you want to do it but won’t do it as long as I am so afraid?”

Yes.

“That’s a strange thing. Do you always act like that? I don’t understand this!”

I try to act like this, yes. It’s because I value you and your feelings, needs and perceptions. I don’t want to hurt or frighten you or make you feel sad or lonely or anything like that – in short I don’t want to harm you but want to help you.

“ *cry*
I have never met anyone like you. That is totally new to me. I am so SO sad that it is only now for the first time that I can experience this kindness and — and — I don’t even know a word for it! I never knew anyone could be like this. I only ever knew mean, destructive, hateful people who wanted to hurt, crush and diminish me and my spirit, soul, personality, even my body. They used me. They beat me. Kicked me and said words that were so painful and frightening that I can’t remember them now. But I remember that I was very hurt and scared, panicked. It was a desperate situation without any way out for me! It was terrible!!!”

I am here with you. I can hold you if you like.

“ *soft sob* yes please do “

*holding you*

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