Meeresbande Zine #1 S.54 + S.55 In Spite Of Everything.
(Bilder anklicken zum Vergrößern)
Eine von uns schrieb dies, als wir das erste Mal anfingen, ein Zine zu schreiben (fühlt sich an, als sei’s ewig lange her… 3/4 Jahr oder so). Ich wusste damals noch nicht, dass wir Viele sind (und auch sonst wusste ich einiges noch nicht).
In Spite Of Everything. 13.7.08
I am writing here although I have been raped. Inspite of everything that my parents did to me, still I am alive and fighting for myself, for my life, for my truth (truth is life!) and for my dignity that you stole from me. Do you know how I felt when you raped me and you saw it and didn’t help me???
I wanted to give up my life, because I knew you hated me, not only one, but BOTH of my parents hated me -> so I had to be utterly, completely worhtless. That was the only conclusion I could find. I am worthless, not even a human being. Because otherwise, why would BOTH parents hate me like that??? Not even care to do ANYTHING to help me when my life was in danger??? Not even a gentle word, a comforting gesture, NOTHING!!! What did I receive from you? No love, compassion, empathy, respect, help or concern – NO, instead I was treated with: Cruelty, brutality, lies, delusions, manipulations, deceptions, abandonement, humiliations, guilt, shame, arrogance, LIES CRUELTY LIES CRUELTY LIES CRUELTY LIES
I can not even decide which of you was worse. But back than I thought that my “father” was not close to me and sometimes scary, when he was drunk and arguing or grumpy and “over-sensitive”. And I thought that you, “mother” were a good mother and cared for me, loved me, did everything one could expect from her. I thought I was not good enough, I didn’t try hard enough, I was lazy and not circumspect, not polite, not punctual enough. I had many flaws and if I had problems or was depressed it was my fault too, because you, “mother” helped me and I was unable to feel better when comforted (my fault) and unable to do what you advised me to do (my fault, I am so lazy, stupid, whatever). According to you, I should just pull myself together, stop whining (yeah, that’s what you called it, whining – jammern!!!!) and concentrate on the bright side. Yeah, that would have helped… The bright side of being raped? The bright side of abandonment? The bright side of crazy cruel parents and dependency towards such people? The bright side of lies as a daily bread???
Oh, I feel bitter.
Peope don’t like bitter feminists, but I don’t like being bitter either and sometimes there just isn’t anything else. It sure makes you bitter to be treated like I was. It sure makes you bitter to try to see through lies and notice that the whole society is made from lies and based on lies and produces lies every fucking second. It sure made me bitter to see the state of my “family” and the state of the society where crazy is the norm and cruelty is so widespread that it isn’t even recognized for what it is. I think bitter is sometimes way more healthy than happy. And I won’t let anyone tell me how to feel. If I feel bitter, I feel bitter and won’t be forbidden to feel that way!!! Not that I like it, but I got a right to feel whatever I feel. And it goes away soon, most of the times. I mean, I am not a bitter person in general, just sometimes.
Did I just apologize for the way I feel?
So I am writing a lot of incoherent things just now… well, I wanted to tell you about what it means to me. What it means to make this zine. It means a lot. I am only starting right now and not even sure where this will lead and if I will make it completely anonymously or not or whatever. But the simple fact that I am making a zine about my traumas and my truth and my life… is amazing. It is amazing that I can do this, I feel grateful for this, although it is only me who I can feel grateful towards.