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Meeresbande Zine #1 S.63 I couldn’t stop it… or could I?

23. Januar 2011

Achtung, wird vermutlich triggern oder verstörend wirken!
Warning, it’s possible this will be triggering or disturbing to you!

(This is an older text)

I couldn’t stop it… or could I?

When I have flashbacks now, I often accuse myself and blame myself because I didn’t stop the flashback. There’s an argument inside my head:

“It’s your own fault! Why didn’t you stop it?!?”

(apologetically) “It’s not easy to stop it. I tried, I couldn’t do it…”

“You didn’t try hard enough! Did you learn NOTHING in all the years of therapy???” *cynical laugh*

(apologetically) “Oh, I tried to stop it, really. I wish I had listened more closely when my therapist told me what I can do about flashbacks…”

“No, you didn’t really try to stop it! You WANTED it to happen, am I right? You could have tried harder to stop it! Maybe you would have been able to stop it earlier had you really wanted to end it. And even if not, you should have tried! You are to blame, to shame and to hate because you wanted to have the flashback!”

“No, I didn’t want… I mean… yes, you’re right, a part of me wanted it… several parts in fact… one wanted to learn more about my true story, one wanted to punish me and wanted me to be in pain, one even liked it… oh, I am such a disgusting person! I am crazy and worthless. I am so bad, I can’t care for my inner children good enough, I even lack the good will… I have earned nothing better than this…”

This is the fight that sometimes happens after (or even during) flashbacks in my head.

Sometimes I think the flashbacks now show me in the way they come, not only in the memories they bring, what the attacks were then. They come mostly without warning (although sometimes I have a feeling that they will come), I feel powerless, helpless, isolated and speechless, sometimes I try to fight them without success, sometimes I don’t fight them, they fill me with confusion, pain, fear, shock, disbelief, shame and guilt, panic, agony, deep sadness and dispair or they make me numb, I think “this did not really happen! I make this up because I am a pervert

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