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Meeresbande Zine #2, S. 31 – The core of the depression

3. Juni 2015

31 - The Core of the depression

The core of the depression – I don’t know how to live

We’ve been feeling terrible for about a week now. A few days ago we had a therapy session and it made us understand why. We’ve been in contact with Doreen, an inner Person, a teenage girl, who feels guilty for having stopped us from fighting people who raped us. She was and is terribly, overwhelmingly afraid of her own rage and our rage in general. She understands what I explained to her, that we are no longer in danger from those people, but she only understands at the level of thoughts, not at that of feelings, so she hasn’t been able to feel or release any of her anger and rage yet.

But there is also another inner Person. She doesn’t have a name yet.

„Don’t you understand!? I want to SAVE you! You are in great danger!!! It is impossible, it is too dangerous, you will DIE!!! I don’t want you to die, I must protect you, don’t you see??? I am DESPERATE!!! Why do you fight me??? *cry* Why… Why do you fight me? Do you want to risk your life? We will all die if you die, don’t you see? If you die, we all die, the body dies. I don’t want to let that happen. But I am afraid I am not powerful enough to stop you. Please!!! Please listen! You HAVE to stop fighting me! Don’t resist! I don’t want to hurt you or anyone else! But I can’t let you free. I don’t want to cage you, but if you come out, you will die.“

Leona: No, I won’t die. I see that you want to protect me. You protected me for a very long time. It was a very hard time. And you had a very important job and you did it better than anyone could have asked of you! I am astonished that you could do it as you did.

You don’t realize that our situation has changed, do you?

„Our life will never change!!! NEVER!!! You are mad! Why do you talk like this??? You frighten me!!! Our situation will NEVER change, it will NEVER be any better!!! Don’t you see??? It’s all just an illusion. You must have hallucinations or something. It is IMPOSSIBLE that our situation could have changed!!!“

But it did change. We are all still alive although I am here. No-one hurt us. No-one will hurt us. There is no-one near us who wants to hurt us. We can protect ourselves now.

„No. *choke* no, that can’t be true… we cannot protect ourselves. i feel weak. very weak. why do you talk like that. i don’t believe you… it can’t be true. we could never help ourselves, never. i feel so weak. those people, wont they attack us? Do you know what? I want them to. I want to be hurt again like it always was. I want to lie down and let them do whatever they want. I can’t live without it. I don’t know what to do. I can’t function like this. It is so much harder to do my job… I am so exhausted. I don’t want to go on – yes I do. I WANT to go on. It’s just – I don’t know how!!! I don’t know how to live. I don’t know how I can go on now that everything is turned upside down. You are here, you show yourself and no-one hurts us. I can’t understand that. I am so weak.

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