Meeresbande Zine #2, S. 32 – The core of the depression
You are here, you show yourself and no-one hurts us. I can’t understand that. I am so weak. I used ALL my energy and power to prevent you from getting out. You call it depression. It makes you, me, all of us feel heavy, tired, exhausted, unhappy, unmotivated to do anything. It is hard to live like this. I know. I don’t want, and NEVER wanted, to make your life miserable. But I did and do, don’t I? I’m sorry. I just thought it was necessary.“
I am not angry with you. I understand you. I feel with you. I am sad for you. I mourn for you, because your life has never been a „life“ yet. I want to help you find your way into a real life. I want to help you see that we are now safe, that we can protect ourselves and that we can even BE and SHOW our true selves without danger! It is all so beautiful. I want to help you see and feel and live it.
„Thank you. Maybe it will even be possible. Until now I was SURE it would never be possible. I can still not really imagine what a life without constant danger might be like. But somehow I guess it might be possible.
Back then… It was all I ever had. I lay there. Darkness. Heaviness. Pain. I am like a ghost. Not real. Nothing is real. Someone else fills the body. My job was to protect you. Well, it was all our jobs. But my part in it was to soak up all the rage and anger, a lot of the pain and the knowledge that what was happening was wrong. I am amazed that I can write that down now. It was wrong. *cry* It was wrong. They had NO right to do these things to us.“
Later: „I am so tired. Soooo tired. I think I need sleep, but I don’t want to sleep. I’m not sure what I want. I wanted people to hurt us so that it would be like it always was so that I would know what to do and so that I would be able to do my job. My task is to protect you and all of us and for this I always ensured that you were hidden deep inside and could never show yourself. I also made sure that no-one experienced any rage or anger. Of course I was not there all the times. But when I was there, you were not there and anger or rage were not there, either. And the knowledge that what they did to us was wrong and cruel and criminal wasn’t there, either. I’m sorry that I told the therapist that it didn’t matter and that it wasn’t wrong what they did to us. Of course it was wrong. It’s just that had I seen that back then, I could not have survived. I had to make sure that we don’t fight back, because had we fought too much, we might be dead now. I mean, we couldn’t have survived had we always been aware of our pain, anger, rage and the fact that it was WRONG and EVIL and CRUEL what they did. That they were not nice people on whom we could rely for our survival, our needs or for help. They were rapists. They nearly killed us. They used extreme violence against us – physical, psychological, mental, emotional, sexual violence. It was the emotional violence and the trap and the betrayal that made me do my job. Because it was not mainly fear for our physical safety that made me stop you from fighting them – it was fear for our emotional and psychological survival. They were our parents. We HAD to rely on them. There was no-one else. There was no-one to ask for help, no-one to go to.