Meeresbande Zine #2, S. 33 – The core of the depression
There was no-one to ask for help, no-one to go to.
But – and I’m ashamed to admit it… – we needed love or at least the illusion of love. It’s despicable. Why did we need that crap!!! I hate „love“!!! All I ever knew that was called „love“ was — I guess it was rape. Or something similar. But we needed the illusion that there was someone there who cared for us. Someone who was interested in us and our wellbeing. Someone who might even help us, perhaps. Someone who would be close to us. We were so ugly and unlovable. Yet, some people, sometimes, held us in their arms, cried or let us cry, spoke soft words. I know now that they were lies, all of it was. They just did it so they could rape us afterwards. Maybe they had some other reasons as well, I don’t care, it was all bad and wrong and it makes me sick. Yes, I feel sick in my stomach. I guess I hate them. I mean, I should hate them. We all should. I’m sure there is a lot of hate and rage and anger here, somewhere.
But I am afraid of it. You know… Back then, what choices did we have? We could have let our hatred and anger out at them – it would have killed us one way or another, I’m sure. At least the danger was too immense to risk it!!! We could have turned our hatred against other innocent victims. We did not want to do that, we never wanted that! NEVER! I helped prevent that. We were not allowed to turn our hatred against ourselves in the form of openly self-aggressive acts, like cutting our skin, using drugs or even suicide attempts. We did not want to do that, either. It wouldn’t have helped. So the only thing that was left was to turn it all against ourselves inwardly. I tried to control it. To hold it down. To keep it hidden deep inside. Doreen didn’t even know it was there, and neither did I, myself, know it. I took the anger and hatred and rage and the knowledge that those people weren’t good and that they had no right to do it – and I hid it deep inside in a pressure cooker. I thought it was safe that way. And it was. Until you – Leona! – and that therapist came along and had to ask questions!!! WHY did you do that??? Why did you endanger that precarious balance??? WHAT do you think you’re doing??? You have no right to interfere like this!!! Stop it!!! Make it like it was. You HAVE to!“
Leona: Why did I ask questions? Because it is time. Now it is safe to ask those questions. Now the rage and hatred and the knowledge can come out of that pressure cooker. You use an enormous amount of energy to keep it all bottled up like that! It’s not good for you, me or anyone. It would be just beautiful and great if we could find another solution, one that doesn’t use up so much energy and life. One, that makes you free to be yourself.
„I don’t know. I am so tired and exhausted. I can’t think properly. I think it is dangerous.
Thank you for trying, though. I see that you want to help me. No-one ever wanted to help me before. No one who could help me, anyways, no-one who had the power to change anything. I guess you’re right in that you are safe now and no-one wants to or can hurt you anymore, like they used to. But. Does that mean you don’t need me anymore?“