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Meeresbande Zine #2, S. 34 – The core of the depression

6. Juni 2015

34 - The Core of the depressionI guess you’re right in that you are safe now and no-one wants to or can hurt you anymore, like they used to. But. Does that mean you don’t need me anymore?“

Leona: Hey… Look at me. I need you. You are important. I want to help you find your own way and a new role and task, if you wish to have one. I want to help you find yourself. I want to help you find a place in this life.

„But… I can’t. I don’t think it’s possible for me to change or do anything else than what I’m doing now… And you don’t need me for this, do you… You would be better off without me. Yes you would, you and everyone else. I am a relic of a terrible past, but that’s all over now, it has changed, I am nothing but a burden now, at least I am creating a heavy, horrible burden by doing my old task.“

Leona: Times change… But just because you were not able, you had no chance – until now – to change along with them, that does NOT mean that you are nothing but a burden! It is a heavy weight that we carry. But that is NOT your fault at all, nor are you creating any kind of burden! You did not create any of this mess we’re in now! The perpetrators did. Not you. It is not your fault that we have weights to carry or that we suffer from depressions. I see it like this: They created heavy burdens for us, you helped carry a lot of it until now. Now it is possible to let go of it.

„OK… Thank you for seeing it that way. I guess you might be right.“

Leona: But you can’t let go, can you?

„No. No, I can’t. Fear overwhelms me. I can’t even think of it

There was a moment of paralyzation.

Then I felt like I was drunk or something. Very tired, heavy, can’t really keep my eyes open or my mind focused.

I am sorry. I can’t. I can’t even think of it.“

Leona: It is not your fault. We can do it together.

„Really? I am so afraid! *cry* No, stop, they’re doing it again, no, no, I don’t want… no…

I’m so exhausted. I just want everything to be quiet… I just want to be left alone or something, I don’t know. I want you to be with me, Leona. Don’t leave me.“

Leona: I won’t leave you. I’m here.

„You know, it’s strange. How I wanted it to happen again during the last days… My job would have been easier. But now, now I don’t want to relive it again. I’m afraid of it. Very much afraid!“

Leona: I know. Maybe it doesn’t have to happen again. I think that you are now afraid of it because you feel the flashbacks differently from what you felt yesterday and the days before.

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