Meeresbande Zine #2, S. 35 – The core of the depression
„Yes, that’s true. I didn’t feel it. At least not really. I just felt the weight and the pressure and that was a relief, yes, it was a RELIEF! Because that way I didn’t have to apply the pressure myself. And I need(ed?) a lot of pressure to keep it all bottled up, especially since you tried to unlock it…
I am so ashamed, somehow, for all of this. I wanted flashbacks, I wanted to relive rapes – and I did, and I made you relive them, too!
I wish it would have been different. I wish I could have done it in some other way… It was so bad of me to conjure up these horrible flashbacks. They were pointless, they didn’t help you, on the contrary!!! It was very bad for you. You suffered. Other inner People suffered, too. It was good for nothing, nothing was gained by it.
But… I felt better. I felt a bit better with these flashbacks than without them. It was easier for me to subdue you and all those feelings and truths…“
Leona: It’s OK. You did what you thought was necessary. You thought our LIFE was in danger! And I can see that you were and still are under a lot of pressure. It’s really quite a miracle how you managed it and still manage it without breaking under all that strain.
Let me help you.
It was like being in a snake pit. Snakes all around. No light, no warm hand to turn to, no help, no food, nothing! No way of escape.
But I was a child. We were a child. Perhaps children are weak and needing…?“
Leona: Yes, children have needs and they cannot stand assaults like adults can, because they can’t defend themselves very good and they also depend on other people, on adult people, for their survival. They need adults not only for their physical, but also their emotional survival.
„I didn’t know that… Sounds silly, but I really didn’t know that. Well, they „told“ me (through actions more than words) that I could and should take everything (all the bad stuff) and that I don’t need anything. That I don’t deserve anything. I was there only to take all the bad stuff they dumped on me. I never complained. I never THOUGHT about complaining! (Other inner people did, though.) I carried the burdens. They „told“ me that I could go on carrying more an more and ever more without any consequences. They „told“ me that there are no consequences. They raped me. But they seemed to believe that there would not be and would never be any negative consequences. Now it makes „sense“ to me why the mother doesn’t believe we had a troubled childhood. She believes in her own lies, that it was OK for her to rape us and that there would be no negative consequences. She probably also believes that she „loves“ us, as she always says. But it isn’t „love“.
There are consequences. I tried to make them as little harmful to both ourselves and innocent people as possible. I tried very, very, very hard.