Meeresbande Zine #2, S. 37 – The core of the depression
Leona: But neither do you! Don’t you see? You are just as innocent as I am. You were just as innocent and pure as I was back then. You don’t deserve hardship or pain or burdens any more than I do! In fact, since you carried it for me for so long, you deserve to be free of it even more than I do.
„No. No, I don’t deserve freedom more than you do. But thank you. It is very kind of you to say all these things. I am sorry. I can’t see myself as „pure“ or „innocent“ or any of these things at all. When I look at myself, which I don’t do at all normally, I see only what they saw in me. I see a small, helpless, weak child. A child I hate and despise for its weakness. A child that can, and should, be exploited, hurt, degraded, hated, beaten, used like a tool or toy, raped, insulted, demeaned, humiliated, kicked and strangled, tortured – all but killed. Because dead it won’t be so much fun anymore.
I’m sorry. That is all I see, even if I think it is wrong. You know what. I would NEVER ever see a child like this! NEVER! Only myself. I mean, I am not such a child, anyways, I am a teenager or something. But I behave so childishly… So I deserve nothing better.
Why do I see myself as they saw me, even if I know they were wrong? Or were they wrong? Were they really?“
Leona: Yes, they were very much wrong! I hate them! I am SO angry at them! How COULD they have done this to you!!! It is such a crime, all of it! That they even made you see yourself as worthless and wrong. But you are not. You are neither worthless nor wrong nor do you or did you ever deserve any of what they did to you. Can you believe that?
„No. No, I cannot believe it. But it is good that you tell me. Maybe one day I will be able to believe you. Because I believe that you are right and they were wrong. Of course you are. I mean, it can’t be any other way, can it? But still… I can’t believe it in my heart. I can’t feel it.
I am sooo tired. Lets talk more tomorrow or something. OK?“
Leona: OK. Good night, I hope you can get some sleep…
Later: “Last time I wrote about a snake pit. What I did was, I held on to the snakes. I embraced them, held them, let them touch me. I loved them. I still do, somehow, with some part of my heart. I don’t want to and I know I should not love them anymore, I now have Leona and others and the therapist and I myself am stronger now – we do not need the „snakes“ any more! I know that. And yet I betray all of us by still loving them, holding on to them. I don’t want to loose them. What kind of monster am I? They turned me into a monster! I am desperate, I cry, why do I still cling to them, even now that I know they are evil and hurtful? Why do I still want flashbacks to come even now that I know they are destructive to Leona, the one I have always protected, the one who is more important than ANYTHING else on this whole world, even more important than myself. I betray her over and over again. I am as bad as those monsters were. They betrayed me, now I do the same to Leona. ”