Meeresbande Zine #2, S. 44 – Me and my „mother“
Me and my „mother“
It is a strange thing that I dream of my „parents“ recently. It seems that my „parents“ are just a „normal“ part of my dream-landscape. And I think that my „parents“, even my „father“, stand for my „mother“. This means that my „mother“ is still part of my inner landscape. She is always there somewhere in the background.
It bothers me that this woman – a rapist – is still there, looming over MY inner landscape and often shadowing it, my thoughts, feelings and most importantly my judgement. I have gone a long way to free myself from her, but I realise that I have still a long way to go and this realisation sort of nags me, I am annoyed! This woman should go away.
For some reason it even bothers me that she DID go away!!! She did not try to contact me in any way since I wrote to her that I do not want any contact anymore. I somehow expected her to write an email to whine, condemn me, ridicule me, manipulate me, threaten me or most likely tell me that she didn’t understand why I acted in this way and then posing as an innocent victim and telling me how good a mother she is and blah blah blah…
She didn’t do that. And I don’t know why. Part of me thinks: „Wow, she respected my wish, she isn’t as bad as I thought she was.“ I guess what I really wanted was a proof from her that it was right and necessary for me to end all contact. I wanted her to react in a manipulative way to my very clear and short message that I didn’t want ANY contact with her anymore. If she had done that, I could have felt good about this step. But I don’t really feel good about it. There was no real relief after sending that letter. I had expected to feel relief. It never came.
Another part of me wanted our „relationship“ to go on. This is a child part, one who makes herself small to fulfil our „mother’s“ wishes, twisted needs and even whims. One whose whole attention is solely focussed on the „mother“ and who sees her only reason for life in serving her. She thinks/feels that she has no right to live if she doesn’t serve that woman who only ever neglected, used and hurt her. And the pain is so profound!!! But it only seems to confirm the worthlessness and feelings of guilt that this inner child feels. I feel pain, therefore I must be bad, therefore my „mother“ must be right in using and punishing me. This is her interpretation, or should I say it is her experience.
We feel guilty for the „servant-feelings“ and for still wanting to be close to our „mother“ because we have seen through many of her cruelties, lies, mad games and her hypocrisy. There is A LOT OF HATE, CONTEMPT, DISGUST, ANGER AND RAGE AND YET MORE DISGUST in us for her!!!
But why, then, are there still little children who want to be close to her, who want to apologise to her, admit that they have been wrong all along and that she has been right and that she IS a good mother and that she has always done her best and that NO ONE could have expected more from her!!! That we have been very unfair and irrational and how could we ever have put her through so much distress and pain?