Meeresbande Zine #2, S. 45 – Me and my „mother“ | We have a problem with the word „love“.
That we have been very unfair and irrational and how could we ever have put her through so much distress and pain? And we want to talk to her about the things she likes to talk about, we want to base our interests – again – on HER interests and what we (the inner children) really want is to sit on her lap and hug her and we want her to hug us or at least stroke our hair and say „everything will be all right“… That is what we long for most. We want to hear and feel her express her love for us. And her trust in the world, so that we, too, can trust the world.
But we never had that. I can not remember anything like that. She must have hugged us occasionally, she told us she loved us – over and over – but it was never a true expression of her „love“ because she has no love. She does not know what that is!!!
We are afraid of the pain we will feel if/when our inner children who still cling to her internally realise that their deepest need for her love could never and will never be fulfilled. That she never loved them/any of us and that she never will. They think it is because they did something wrong or didn’t do something right. But that’s not true!
To my inner children: It has nothing to do with YOU, with who you are or what you do or don’t do, that our „mother“ doesn’t love you and never did! It is because she is totally unable to express her love, if indeed she has a shred of it left in her. She is unable to form or be in relationships that deserve to be called relationships! None of us can ever change that. And we should not hope and wait that she changes herself. We should try to get on with OUR OWN life! We DO HAVE a life of our own now, it belongs to us and neither she nor anyone else has a right to claim our life, our selves for themselves, like she did in the past. WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO LEAD OUR OWN LIVES THE WAY WE WANT TO AND TO CENTER OUR LIVES AROUND OUR OWN NEEDS, WISHES AND DREAMS!!! I have a dream of freedom. I have a dream where I find freedom, tranquillity, safety and happiness and even exuberant joy and where I also share all this with other people (and beings) – people who deserve to be part of my life, people who choose to be my friends and people who I choose as friends. In this dream I will not give anything to toxic people who are destructive or full of hatred towards me and/or things that are dear to me. I will not take from those kinds of people either. In this dream I am not dependent on those kinds of people.
We have a problem with the word „love“.
It is hard to think, say, write or hear this word. It makes us shiver often. We prefer to think that we do not need „love“, we are more comfortable saying we need understanding, affection, respect, friendship, bonds and we need to feel that someone likes us and is happy to be with us, even when we are feeling bad. I mean, what is this love thing anyway? Does anyone really know? And if someone knows it, what good is that if they say „love“ and no-one else understands it the way it is meant?