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Meeresbande Zine #2, S. 46 – We have a problem with the word „love“. | Never feeling good again.

18. Juni 2015

46 - never feeling good again

And if someone knows it, what good is that if they say „love“ and no-one else understands it the way it is meant? For us it is important that no-one thinks we want any kind of sexual relationship or even worse sex without a real relationship. So we don’t often say we love some­one or that we need/want love. But on the other hand we think that there has to be love without sex, something that is deeper than friendship. And we also think that children need to be loved by their parents, but at the same time it feels very wrong to write that down, because of what our „parents“ gave us instead of love. For us, love and sex/rape are so often mixed up. When we think about the word „love“, we often think about hypocrisy, lies, manipulation and cruelty.

“All of these messages [of civilization, governement, police…] are feasible only because of outrageous narrowing and blurring of our ability to percieve and to think clearly. Safety must be made to seem dangerous, and danger must be made to seem safe. Benevolence comes to be called violence, and violence comes to be called benevolence. Fear feels like love and love feels like fear.” – Derrick Jensen, endgame, Volume I

Never feeling good again.

I don’t feel well right now and I fear that I won’t feel good in a long time and probably never have a good life. These fears are not rational, but they’re very real and they inhibit me. Me and —— plan to get a garden, we actually want to live there in small huts. I think that would make me pretty happy! But now I sit here and instead of making plans and being happy about the prospect I’m afraid of many things, most of all failure and I worry and I hate myself. “I have so stupid problems!!! What’s wrong with me anyway? It’s all my fault! I’m too stupid to take care of myself!!!“ These and all sorts of similar thoughts run through my head. It’s really distressing and the worst bit is that I believe them more or less. Fortunately there is a part of me who knows that better times will come and probably soon (in a matter of days) and that these self-hating and self-blaming and pessimistic voices don’t speak the truth – but it doesn’t help much. I feel rather terrible. Or do I? I don’t really know. I mean, I have felt worse. But what I’m feeling now is severe depression!

And it’s because of my “mother“!!! She is the one who – with lots of help from other „caretakers“ – taught me all these things that my voices or parts or probably inner People now repeat. She taught me that if I was feeling sad, down, depressed or scared it was basically always my own fault and more than that it was practically a crime! She always had „tips“ that she was sure would help me feel better (like going for a walk and keeping busy instead of brooding) and if I wasn’t feeling better it was obviously my fault because I didn’t follow her instructions and although she never said it, she often made it perfectly clear to me that I was a burden if I was depressed and she made me feel shame and guilt for being depressed on top of everything else!!!

For her it was a threat to SEE me depressed. It didn’t matter to her how I FELT – as long as I fitted in her precarious, painstakingly constructed picture of the normal happy family.

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