Meeresbande Zine #2, S. 47 – Never feeling good again.
For her it was a threat to SEE me depressed. It didn’t matter to her how I FELT – as long as I fitted in her precarious, painstakingly constructed picture of the normal happy family. This picture of herself and her family was more than important to her; I am sure she felt death panic whenever it was threatened. She must have defined herself a lot through the family-picture.
So: She not only made my life hell by using sexualised, physical, mental and emotional violence, by allowing and even encouraging others to do the same and by covering it all up, silencing me, cutting me off from help – no: she had to punish me for feeling bad about it!!!
And, yes, it was punishment:
1) She made me feel responsible.
2) She made me feel guilty.
3) She made me feel ashamed.
4) She made me try to repair the damage on my own.
5) When that didn’t work – start again at point 1)…
All this she accomplished by telling me over and over again how good a mother she is, how good the whole family is, how I have more than I need, how other people have nothing, are very poor, have severe illnesses, are orphans, lost everything due to war and all sorts of stories like that. She always said that these people didn’t give up and didn’t complain but did what they could do and what needed to be done and were sometimes very happy people. Blah blah. I mean, that’s nice for them if they can survive all this and do all this but it’s really mean of my so-called “mother“ to abuse their stories to make me feel shame, guilt and worthlessness. She always said I was so much better off!!! Oh, yes, how lucky I was!!!! *dripping with sarcasm* How she twisted the truth!!! She always told me no bad things ever happened to me and I believed her!!! I didn’t know of all the violence and threats and rapes. She always said I had a happy childhood.
And somehow I (or someone here) still believes her.
And now we feel guilty for even trying to have a better life.
“It occurs to me that in a very real sense, we cannot hope to create a sustainable culture with any but sustainable souls. […] We could wake up any time and reclaim the whole of our existence.”
– Nita Halstead
„Woman’s so-called normal identity,
which includes the obsessive
concern with appearance,
says Gilday in a recent
issue of Images magazine.