Meeresbande Zine #2, S. 55 – No pause, no break, no end
We don’t really know what to do… We feel that we must remember as many traumatic memories as possible as soon as possible (that is, go through them again, feel them again) because this is often the only way to free the inner people who bear these memories from their excruciating burdens and to release them from their dungeon, where they are still stuck in the traumatic past, in never-ending terror, pain, confusion and agony. On the other hand we don’t want to walk a path that is supposed to heal us but is so much like our traumatic past. That just can’t be the best way, can it? Or is this unavoidable if we want to help as many of our traumatized headmates as soon as we can? Do we have to first release them from the dungeon and then later do all the things we want or need to do but „don’t have time for“ now?
How can we EVER lead a life that fulfills all our needs – including the need to help shape the world through our activism – with so many people in just one body, sharing just 24 hours in a day? That just is not enough time for all of us. This makes us sad and sometimes we feel even desperate, although we are still young and expect to live long. But we feel that there just isn’t enough time… Of course, children and traumatized people, especially traumatized children, can’t effort patience, because they experience the passage of time differently than adults who are not stuck in trauma. For our headmates who are still stuck in trauma, it feels as though time does not move at all, as though there were no change at all and that makes every moment seem like an eternity. On top of that, we need lots of time to sleep and rest, time to recover from and/or distract ourselves from flashbacks and are slow in most things we do, often distracted and absent-minded etc.
This also makes it hard for us to stay connected to our friends and fellow activists. For example when one of our friends writes us or calls or whatever, we would really want to answer back. But most of the times we can’t because when we try to, there is already something new inside us that wants and needs our attention and pushes the others aside. Actually there are a lot of reasons why friendships are very hard for us, even though we love our friends very much.
We also love our life_our lives very much.
Lierre Keith: „I think the readiness to act is born from two sources: rage and love. And we have to have the stamina to keep loving even when what we love is being destroyed, and we have to have the courage to make that love be an action, a verb.“